Wednesday, May 27, 2009

If ( (Life == Risk) || (Risk == Life) ) {

It was April 7th 2009, At 9 am in the morning, I was before the computer and staring at a website, which was suppose to show me the results of the Interview I had at TISS (Tata Institute Of Social Sciences).

I knew, I was out of options. I knew that either am gonna hit a jackpot or I am gonna be a bankrupt. Bankrupt more emotionally than financially. As I was eagerly waiting for the results, pressing the refresh button with every passing second. My memories rolled to the day of the Interview.

To be fair, I never knew the prowess that TISS had in the business world. The day of my interview showed it all. Green filled campus, voluminous library, spacious Sports hall, list of Doctorates (faculty list) and the competition am suppose to face If ever I get into TISS. I spoke to people who were toppers of their university, rank holder in IIT, A persian language specialist, Person with 9 years experience with Infosys, a fresher who has scored an aggregate of 89% in his engineering and 2 guys who were already into IIMC and IIML. unfortunately for me, these wonders of the world were my competitors to a mere 53 seats. I was scared really scared and had to be.

As I began getting my composure back it was already 10:30 am, my click this time bought some news. "The results will be announced at 3pm today". My anxiety now had doubled and not knowing what to do, I picked up the first book at my desk. The first sentence on the book read. "If you really want something in life and you sincerely work towards it, the whole nature will conspire with you to get you what you want". As this quote began to sink in, I dozed to the end days with caritor.

It took only a sentence by my colleague to make my decision to quit caritor. Yes a timely word can change the world, and it happened in my life. Pradyu had said "Naveen, you are living someone else's dream, what about yours ??" I don't think pradyu remember saying this, because it never mattered to him, but it mattered a world to me. From then on I tried each moment to convince myself of not taking the drastic step but I failed. As some one said "Dream is not something which comes while sleeping but dream is something which never lets you sleep".

As I got away with the dozed state, The clock had ticked 11:15 am. I began to think, had that incident not happened, I could have been in a better position. I had a job, a competitive salary, company which was very near to my house and everything. Many questions lingered in my mind. Did I take a wrong decision ?? , did I hurry ??, Didn't I work enough ??, Was there any other way ??, What if I fail ??, Do I deserve what I desire ??, Wat if everything fails ??, what if ???????????? suddenly out of nowhere I heard my phone ringing, call from my father bought the expected question "did the results come". NO I said, he said to come and join him for lunch as it was already 1:30 pm.

As I finished an unusually silent lunch with my dad, it was already 2:30, I hurriedly went back to my room upstairs. Having seen my parents so silent while at lunch, my thoughts now wandered about their reactions, if I fail. what are they going to feel ??, How are they going to answer the sarcastic comments by our relations ??.

I had a reason behind being so pessimistic about this result. failures with results was a familiar thing to me by then. I had written around 10 more exams just to see someone else getting into those colleges. I did not have a decent job to do (present), I could not expect a decent job for my profile (RECESSION). After failures, even with the average rated B-schools, masters in TISS was only a distant dream.

With all these feelings in my mind my excitement was down and dusted, I did not feel anything about the results now, I lost all my thoughts but the clock did not stop ticking. The clocked showed 3:15 and I knew it was time.

As I typed the register number and pressed the submit button, my father stepped in. I was selected to the masters in HR @ TISS. he was enthralled and I was relieved. He wiped the sweat on his fore head and said 'finally you did it', with a tinge of smile in his face now.

I had only one question to ask him now "What if I had failed ???", the answer from my dad was unexpected. He just said "The day you made up your mind, I knew you will succeed". Yes, I think thats the reason he said that day (around a year and half prior to this day) "If you really think its your dream, then go and get it".

I still don't know if I deserve it or not, I don't know if am capable, I don't know the way to succeed at such an institute but what I know is the worth to get into that institute and to give my best to get the maximum out of the same.

But....................................What if I had failed ???

Thursday, January 1, 2009

YEAR 2008

Year 2008, I better remember it as YEAR 2008. The year which gave me hopes, year which fascinated me so much that I took the risk of a life time, year which told me to follow my dreams, year which gave me that courage to live a life of a legend, year which taught me life is not a cake walk, year which taught me what I can do & what I can't, year which said in an audacious manner "LIFE IS NOT FOR LAZY", year which taught "you get it only when you deserve it".

I came to 2008 in a hope that I can change this world, and change the mindset of the people who think safety first. Look where I am, I tend to believe as most of us do, that I am in the same position as I were a year ago. Many prescribed that, I after earning 8 to 10 lacs for my family in two years, shouldn't have quit my job for something less worthy. But I could not resist the temptation of 2008.

Yesterday my cousin asked me "Was it worth quitting your job ?". I answered "YES".
I had reasons to quit my job. First I was frustrated about myself, I did not have sufficient time to look after my self (mentally). Second, The job was first class, but was I enjoying it ? Third, I had my own plans for the future, which obviously did not match with the profession I was in. Fourth, Money was not the only criterion for me(I was intelligent enough not to get into huge commitments). Fifth, I love being myself.

Year 2008, taught me BEING MYSELF.

JANUARY(2008): It is the time when I was preparing for my FMS as I am doing now. I just had one thing in mind. I could be able to succeed in at least one colleges. only this kept me going.

February(2008): Most of the results were out, and I had failed pathetically. My parents were at ease as they knew this was bound to happen.

March (2008) : After the debacle as every individual does. I began soul searching, but I failed. I couldn't find any reason for my failure.

April&May(2008) : I seriously don't remember how this time went. But I can tell you this was the time when I started to feel I can't make it. I am a failure, I am a looser.

June (2008) : I started to take pain. I started to understand my self better. I was starting to let go my ego and think objectively. I took constructive jobs, took interest in technologies, current affairs, economics, browsing, knowledge sharing, Proactive communication and much more.

July (2008) : I was under immense pressure, not by my parents, not by my friends, not by the society, but by myself and my self belief. I knew I did not have the potential to meet the best. But I had improved a lot and not among one how were sitting behind and watching people run over them. I was actually running along (even though in a slow pace).

August(2008) : The reformations in the last two months had helped me to look at GMAT as an option. I was starting to love what I was doing. I was not a lazy bug sitting and doing something anymore. I had a purpose, I began to feel a new zephyr going in my life which is abating all pain and giving me hope of a brighter future.

September (2008) : I started preparing for GMAT. Most astonishing thing was that I worked harder for GMAT more than I did for CAT. By this time the economy was slowing down, and analyst could feel the recession was coming. I was afraid of the bearings it could have, if I opt for the education overseas.

October (2008) : I had written My GMAT and went into my own shell of self satisfaction (My worst enemy since my birth). I was satisfied to have written GMAT and have scored a marks which was not exceptional but good for a first timer.

November(2008) : CAT went on in a pathetic way, and I lost all hopes which I had garnered for years. ALL HOPES. That is the time when I learn't about my worst enemy "SELF SATISFACTION". I learn't this but did not have sufficient time to rectify it. It was not easy it has been in me since my birth (A habit built over 25 years is hard to break). I know that without breaking this habit (being in my comfort zone after reaching a trivial achievement ), I cannot live, not at least the life I want to live.

December (2008) : I wrote more exams most of them in vain again, except for TISS which went on exceptionally well(God saved me here).

Now when I look back at 2008, I could feel this year is the year which will be termed as the year of LEARNING. The year which taught me life lessons. Without this year, I wouldn't have become the naveen I am now. Without this year I wouldn't have understood myself.

I don't know If I will be able to succeed eventually or not but when some one asks me was the risk justified ?, Was the year 2008 fruitful? I answer YES , Because without this year, I wouldn't have loved myself. I wouldn't have been myself.

My new year resolution: "is to Arise! Awake! and stop not till the goal is reached."

Wats your's ?

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